15 June 2010
He didn't Laugh final
)Published on June 15th, 2010 @ 03:46:20 pm, using 1019 words, 45 views
Sorry for the long lay off of the Blog. We have been fighting rain and waiting on Salmonflies. We made it through, and its back to Missoula’s normal dry fly parade. It was a hustle of watching us go from no snow, to a month long rain that took us over normal precipitation. Now we are looking good on water for all summer. Its been an odd year so far and keeps proving prognosticators wrong. Outfitting is glorified farming. I thought I had moved off the family ranch 18 years ago, but I find myself watching the weather harder than my father ever did.
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Conclusion -
At this point I was playing it cool with the father-in-law as he bluffed his way through the Morning boat launch ceremonies, but now I am looking at a smoking boat in the middle of the ocean. You can’t fake flames.
Most men would launch in an expletive laced rant that would end in lost eyebrows and smoky hair.
Not so with Dave who although crudely spent our morning drive explaining all the faults of the slow driving dumbasses on the morning freeways now apparently when the stress rises he can’t even throw a dang it at it.
Dave - “You wicked Fudger, so that’s how you want to play you son of duck.”
Dave starts to hothand touch some of the electronics, but the flames keep coming.
Dave - “I swear I am going to send you back to that evil auction that spawned you basic mothergrabber. OWWWWW, that flippen hurt. Snap, that was my best depth finder.”
Joe - “How can I help? What can I do?”
Dave - “Quickly disconnect the gas tank.”
Joe - “Really?”
Dave - “Either that or blow up, you choose.”
I quickly pulled the hoses off off the tanks and filled a bailing bucket with water and waited for the enevitable call for water.
Dave - “Now you demon harlot of the salt, where you going to run to now! Oh, trying to flameout the blasted GPS? Bring it on you fudger. OWWWWWWWW, you’ll pay for the that. Squirrel tails almighty, that hurts.”
Dave kept fighting the battle with this “evil fudger” that was melting through his electronics, but as he lost ground I decided to make an executive decision and doused the whole console which the ensuing hiss of wet smoke signaled the end of the fudging battle.
We both sat there heaving with the boat now streaking melted wires stains like dumped prom queen mascara across the white deck.
As Dave turned I saw he had lost all his eyebrows and reddened the left over swollen stumps. He now had colegen implanted stripper lips for eyebrows, and the smoke had darkened the rest of his expression. He looked like a dumbfounded dirty drunk circus clown, who didn’t get all the makeup off after the show.
Clowns make us laugh, and Dave did as he blinked profusely at me coming down off the adrenaline. In the midst of this fudging disaster I started to laugh from a deep bellied guffaw into huffing tears.
Dave - “It isn’t funny.”
Joe - “I know, I just like clowns a lot.”
He dropped his cologen browlips in a look of confusion and I launched into more guffaws.
Dave - “Clowns? What the squirrel tail is wrong with you”
Joe - “Oh nothing, but maybe you should keep a water squirting flower on your fishing vest for fire safety.” Another look of confusion from Dave and I am in tears again.
Dave - “Stop screwing around, we have to get the boat up and going if we are make it back in. And if you hadn’t made such a mess with the bucket of water it would be alot easier.”
Joe - “Sorry, I felt like continuing to live. At least we can call for help now and not swim for it.”
Dave - “I don’t know why you had to do that, I had this little fudger under control. She does this all the time, I had a plan.”
Joe - “This isn’t your first boat fire?!!!!”
As it turns out this was a common occurance and he was well prepared. Dave had all kinds of extra tools, wires, manuals, and quite a bit of experience in on-the -water restoration. As we worked through getting the boat back up and running Dave started to wax poetic on boat fires through the years, in a way only cologen eyebrowed clowns can do. I fought back heavy snickers as he recounted the flames of years gone by with all the facial contortions that drive disaster stories. These browlips could tell a many a hairless tale.
Joe - “Do all boats have wiring problems? It seems I would hear about of a bunch of recalls or more fires in the news.”
Dave - “You bet they do, that’s why I re-wire every boat I buy.”
Joe - “Is that expensive. Do you have to be a marine electrician?”
Dave - “I am not going to overpay some dumbass electrician with all their fancy workings. I do it so it can be repaired when it flames out. If I did it their way what would we do now? We would be stuck now wouldn’t we?
Joe - “Or not on fire in the first place?”
Dave - “What was that?”
Joe - “Nothing just recalling a circus I once saw.”
I have to give Dave credit he got us back up and running and after having me wrench on the cinder block we had lodging in the dike rocks, we were headed back to the dock. Due to our various mishaps we had officially fished for 28 minutes, but I was still alive and I called it a victory.
When we hit the Dock Dave ran and got the trailer as I sat in the boat.
When he started to back up I saw him screech the brakes and launch into a rant of flippin fudging squirrel tails as the browlips showed in his mirror.
He didn’t laugh, but I sure did.
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